For Marcia Coburn Stout and her husband Rotnei, waiting to start a family was part of the plan. The couple worked hard to achieve their goals, like climbing the corporate ladder, getting financially stable, and taking time to travel. Today, 38-year-old Marcia is a senior analyst with Fed Ex, and Rotnei, 39, works for Memphis city’s water division.
Together, they’ve visited place like Hawaii, San Francisco, and Canada. Fourteen years into their marriage, the to-do list finally read: children. So now they’re throwing themselves into parenthood, raising their 20-month-old daughter, Alexis Nicole.

What’s it like to become a parent later in life?

“It’s working good so far. It’s actually great,” Marcia says. “We are more patient than we were when we were younger, not having to deal with school and finances. I think we can show her a lot of love and patience at this age than we would have in our 20s.”

Like Marci, an increasing number of women in Memphis are waiting on motherhood. In Shelby County in 2006, 306 women gave birth for the first time at 35 or older compared to 203 in the year 2000, according to the Memphis and Shelby County Health Department. Between 14,000 and 15,000 women in Shelby County give birth annually.

Some couples make a conscious decision to wait, wanting to have their personal lives in order. Others wait not by choice but by circumstance, eventually giving birth thanks to fertility treatments or adoption.

Regardless, the experts agree that starting a family as an older adult has its advantages. People in their 30s are generally more mature and responsible and bring those pluses to their parenting, says counselor Judy Bookman of
CONCERN Employee Assistance Program. Such advantages can outweigh the physical challenges, such as less energy and stamina.

“Given the state of relationships today, couples are better prepared to be parents in their 30s rather than in their 20s,” Bookman says. “With the divorce rate at 50 percent or higher, couples need to plan more and have an emphasis on developing their couple relationship and have it be solid before they make the commitment to have children.”
For the Stouts, waiting gave them time to discuss the “big picture” of child-rearing: religious upbringing, financial planning, and discipline.

Life Changes

First-time mom Jeanne Ann Rehrig, 38, who gave birth to twin girls in January, says at this point in life, she feels more grounded. “I wasn’t settled in my 20s. I wanted to do everything and explore things,” says Jeanne Ann, who took advantage of her freedom to tour Italy. “I’m appreciative of the things I experienced before having children. I’m not regretful.”

Rehrig and her husband Steve married four years ago and started trying to get pregnant right away. When they weren’t able to conceive, they sought help from an infertility specialist who recommended in vitro fertilization. Though the first attempt failed, the second took.

Rehrig describes her pregnancy experience as “an emotional rollercoaster.” There were complications that eventually led to her being hospitalized for six weeks during the pregnancy. At 33 weeks, twins Alice and Evelyn were delivered, weighing about 4 ½ pounds a piece. After a two-week stay in the hospital, the girls finally came home, much to the couple’s delight. Now, each day brings new adventure.

But parenthood has also required some adjustments.

As a kindergarten teacher at Snowden Elementary School, Rehrig is used to being around children, but she’s discovered finds that new parents in their 30s may be more set in their ways and more physically taxed by the demands of a baby. “I had 38 years of sleep and then two babies come along and it’s like — wait a second!”

In the blink of an eye, sleeping till noon or taking a trip on short notice become things of the past.

More Career Options

People in their 30s tend to be more secure in their careers, Bookman says, and there are more options for parents today. They don’t have to choose between staying home with the children or working full-time. The Family and Medical Leave Act guarantees time off for baby leave. Other job options include job sharing, working from home, taking leaves of absence, and working part-time.

Demesia Blancett, 46, decided to leave an established career in the corporate world and start her own businesses so she could have more time with her children. She oversees a housecleaning business, a knitting business, helps with her mother’s catering business, and sings professionally.
She was 36 when she gave birth to her oldest son, Nicholas, now 10 — just a year and two days after she and husband, Mike, married. Their second son, Jonah, 8, arrived two years later.

“I don’t feel like I have to prove myself to anyone. I don’t feel the desire to go back into the corporate world. I don’t have to prove anything anymore,” says Demesia. “One day it hit me — I’m going to regret it if I don’t make a change.”

Demesia believes she has more life experience to offer as a parent and she has a more well-rounded perspective on the world.

“You can start traditions, special things for your family,” she says. “Those things are more important to you than they were in your 20s. You realize how meaningful they are.”

Tend The Marriage

According to Bookman, becoming a parent can create a huge shift in a couple’s relationship. Since parenthood can be a consuming task, it is important not to neglect the marital relationship. “The reality is that a child is totally dependent on us. You certainly can’t ignore your marriage, your relationship with your partner, but the reality is that the time commitment is no longer there,” says the counselor. “It’s important to carve out pieces of time together.”

Bookman’s advice to couples before starting a family? Have fun, travel, make a list of things you want to do — then do them. But don’t forget to talk about child-rearing issues like discipline and spirituality. Says Bookman, “The more parents can get on the same page on child-rearing, the better.”