Who Says Mother Knows Best?
March 1st, 2010 by Terri Combs-Orme
Sometimes conventional wisdom is your best source of information about child rearing. Most of us consider our own mothers to be “first responders” when we have questions, and they usually steer us wisely. Friends, aunties, and grandmothers often have good answers, too. But sometimes, conventional wisdom — knowledge we’ve always thought was true — isn’t.
In October 2007, the Urban Child Institute (UCI) surveyed parents in Memphis about important issues related to early child development. We spoke to 400 mothers, fathers, grandmothers, and caregivers who were with children in their pediatricians’ offices about a range of issues, including what they understand about early child development and where they go for information and guidance. While there is a lot of wisdom out there, there are also some misconceptions.
Three of the survey’s authors: UCI pediatrician Dr. Henry Herrod, social worker and UCI consultant Barbara Holden, and I discuss some of those misconceptions below.
Is television useful for your child’s learning?
There’s a lot of programming out there for children, much of it touted as educational. Nearly half of the Memphis parents we talked to believe that watching television can help babies learn to talk, and over 20 percent believe that educational television is important to learning in general.
These parents are spot-on about one thing: Hearing language is how children develop language skills — the more words and the more variety, the better. Research shows television produced specifically for children (such as Sesame Street) to be associated with increased vocabulary for preschoolers, but there is no effect for children before about age 22 months. In fact, some research shows a significant delay in speech development for infants who watch a lot of television.
Take-home message: “In the first 3 years there is no substitute for the human voice, eye contact and touch,” says Herrod. We all need the occasional downtime provided by letting our children watch television, but its value for your baby’s learning will be in watching it together.
Should you drill your young child with flashcards and computer games?
Toy stores are full of educational gimmicks: flashcards, classical music tapes, even computer games designed just for baby. Over 80 percent of Memphis parents believe flashcards are important, and 60 percent think computers are valuable resources to infant and toddler learning.
In general, research demonstrates that access to technology is a good thing, but like television, the value is more in the interaction between babies and their caregivers than in the technologies themselves. Computers especially may be ineffective for teaching infants, who can’t process what they see on the screen. This does not mean that computer games have no value. Instead, what it means is that it’s the companionship and interaction while playing computer games that enhances your baby’s learning. So while playing a computer game with you can be educational, so can taking turns banging a spoon on a pan.
Take-home message: Barbara Holden reminds us that infant learning occurs within close relationships. Use the computer; use a refrigerator box; use a paper bag. Your baby’s best learning tool is you.
Is your 2-year-old manipulating you?
You are absorbed in your favorite television show, and your 2-year-old toddles over to the set and begins pushing buttons and disrupting your program. Why is he doing that? We posed several possible explanations to Memphis parents to see how likely they believed these explanations to be.
Eighty percent of parents agreed that he might be doing it to get attention; the same proportion thought he might be trying to learn how the buttons work; and over 60 percent believe that he might be expressing his anger at you. How wise is this conventional wisdom? Herrod states it is “unlikely the child is challenging his parents. It’s more likely that he is learning how to set his own limits.”
Barbara Holden adds that toddlerhood is a time when children are developing independence, practicing their skills, and building self-esteem. “It’s a time to help kids develop their independence, not a time to try to teach a sense of right and wrong,” she says.
Take-home message: Toddlers need limits so they can learn to set their own, but discipline is not punishment. Gently guide your toddler to learn to set his limits, become more independent, and practice new skills.
Are you spoiling — or nurturing?
Memphis parents are afraid of spoiling their children, as some parents have been since the dawn of time. Research shows that many parents think giving their babies too much attention might turn them into self-centered brats and selfish adults. What’s the truth? Can you spoil a baby? More than half of Memphis parents thought that picking up a 3-month-old every time he cries might spoil him.
Spoiling is an area where the child’s age really matters. Research shows that comforting a crying infant helps him learn to soothe himself, reduces his stress, and results in less crying when he is a toddler. Soothing an infant also builds the infant’s attachment to his caregiver. As he gets older you will begin to expect him to handle his own upsets more and more and to wait a bit before you step in, but not in the first year.
Take-home message: Infants in the first year need to develop a sense of trust, notes Herrod. You cannot spoil an infant with too much attention, affection, or love.
Should you let him cry it out?
Your 3-month-old is crying, and you don’t know why. He won’t stop, even though you’ve tried everything. Ask 10 friends for advice, and chances are that four or five will tell you to just “let him cry it out.” Memphis parents aren’t sure. Of the parents we asked about the consequences of letting a 3-month-old cry it out:
• Over one-third said it might affect his self-esteem
• Nearly 40 percent said it might make him more independent
• Nearly one-fourth said it could affect his brain development
• Over 40 percent said it might help him develop good coping skills.
“Persistent crying is one of the biggest challenges in parenthood,” says Holden. “The baby is trying to communicate, and it’s the parent’s job to interpret. That’s not easy.” “Ear-piercing” cries are very disturbing for parents, causing physical changes related to stress. “Take a deep breath, and take a time-out if you can’t handle your stress. Over time if you are attentive, you will begin to understand your baby’s cries and what he needs.”
Take-home message: Show your infant he is safe and you will be there to meet his needs. Pick him up when he cries.
Finally, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and we all make mistakes. Trust your intuition, and trust your wise loved ones, but use conventional wisdom with discretion.