Parent to Parent: That’s Yucky!
December 1st, 2009 by Sharon Miller Cindrich
Another traditional holiday get-together: The candles are lit, the table sparkles, and the whole family is gathered for a memorable meal. Just then, your son lets out a gigantic belch (fueled by the soda he downed in a race with his cousins), and your daughter holds her nose as the green bean casserole goes past. “It looks and smells yucky,” she announces. So much for your coaching.
Good manners are always in style, particularly during the holiday season. Parents may feel the pressure for children to perform perfectly (and wince when their etiquette falls short), but Nancy Quinn, director of the Crystal Cotillion, a social etiquette and ballroom dancing program for tweens and teens, assures us that every gaffe is an opportunity for learning.
“Children are children. They aren’t perfect,” says Quinn. “But parents can do a lot to raise a kind, considerate child.”
Start early and use real life opportunities to reinforce etiquette, since this is the best way for kids to learn. “The earlier that parents can work with their kids the better,” says Quinn. “It’s like talking and reading. It becomes second nature and kids don’t have to think about what they’re doing and change their behavior later on.”
As holiday plans begin to dot your calendar, follow these guidelines to prepare your children and take advantage of educational etiquette opportunities.
“How do you do?”
A proper introduction is an important skill kids will use not only during the holidays, but for years to come. “This is often one of the first things we teach our students,” says Quinn. Parents can do this with their child and practice before leaving the house. “A child should feel comfortable shaking hands,” says Quinn, adding that a firm handshake and eye contact are critical in building confidence.
“That’s yucky!”
Whether it’s a casserole or fruit cake, unfamiliar dishes may not please your child’s palate, but explain to them that the hostess has put a lot of time into making a tasty meal, then encourage them to try something new. “Prepare kids before you go. Convince them to try something they don’t think they might like,” says Quinn.
Unless your child has severe allergies or another medical condition, it’s impolite to bring a separate meal for tots. Encourage less adventurous eaters to enjoy a dinner roll, milk, or a piece of fruit.
“Urp.”
It never fails, a little gas escapes from above or below. It can be tempting to crack up or make a joke, but Quinn suggests parents set the tone. “Children should try not to be goofy, say excuse me and move on,” she says.
“Thank you.”
Even if you’ve said thank you in person, a handwritten thank-you note is still expected when a child receives a gift from someone. Writing a note of thanks allows kids to practice putting their gratitude into words and helps them develop a lifelong habit. Young children can sign their name to a note written by a parent. Older children should write a few sentences of thanks on their own and address the envelope.
What about e-mail? “E-mail is better than nothing, but a handwritten note is still the best,” says Quinn.
“I’m bored.”
Help kids pack a bag of quiet activities they can bring along to occupy themselves if you suspect they may get bored. A book, coloring pages, Matchbox cars, a deck of cards, or electronic games can help pass the time while adults chat. If you didn’t come prepared, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask your host if your child can watch TV quietly in another room. “Your hostess will be happy if your child is occupied and you can enjoy yourself,” says Quinn.
“Achoo!”
A runny nose is not uncommon during the holiday season. Children should carry disposable tissues, cover their mouth and noses with their sleeve, or cough into the crook of their elbow. Don’t forget to wash hands frequently, too.
If your child develops a fever or flu symptoms, always err on the side of caution and cancel your plans. It is much better manners to send last-minute regrets or leave a party early — even if you’re in charge of bringing dessert — than expose a sick child to others, especially when elderly guests are present.
When something else goes wrong?
Holiday meltdowns, rude remarks, and inappropriate behavior can spout from even the most mannered child. A combination of interrupted routines and sugary treats can make the chances of manner mishaps even more common.
If something does go wrong, try to go with the flow. Embarrassing a child publicly or making the scene even bigger is not the way to teach respect or compassion. “Try to move on,” says Quinn, “Leave it behind and talk to your child about it later.”
Sharon Cindrich is a freelance writer based in Virginia Beach, VA.