Putting the Pieces Together
November 1st, 2009 by Jane Schneider
Last Christmas, while Kim and Nathan Cook enjoyed a holiday dinner with their son Caleb, they couldn’t help but feel a presence was missing from their table. For the past year, they’d been in the process of adopting a second child, Grace, an 18-month-old little girl from Thailand. Though they’d prayerfully hoped she’d be home in time for Christmas, it hadn’t taken place. The couple was crestfallen.
But, then just three weeks into the new year, their adoption social worker, Penny Glatstein (then with Jewish Family Services), finally gave the couple the gift they’d been waiting for. In a flurry of activity, they boarded a jet and made the 18-hour flight to Thailand, eager to finally embrace the child they’d been holding in their dreams.
Kim says adopting a child was something she had long known she wanted to do, yet waiting was the hardest part. “I knew it would be a long process, so I wanted to be emotionally prepared for the wait,” says the 33-year-old mother of two. “But once you have that match, you feel this child is supposed to be a part of your family.”
The adoption journey
Though every parent’s adoption journey is different, they share a common truth: All yearn to have a child of their own. Couples are resolute in the belief that the mosaic of their life is still unfinished, that a child holds the missing pieces, ones they are supposed to have to make life complete.
Hundreds of families across Tennessee adopt children each year, though exact figures are unavailable, as all adoptions are not tracked, according to Michael McDonald, director of adoption services for Agape Child and Family Services. The children come with many stories of their own: Some are born in foreign countries, some are orphaned, some are part of the state’s foster care system, some are infants who’ve become available for adoption.
The Cooks didn’t have a lot of reservations when adopting their children; they felt ready, clear-eyed. Yet they discovered what most families learn: That adoption can be a lengthy, exhausting process. However, for those who are eager to welcome a child into their lives, they will tell you — all the work and waiting is worth it when you hold that precious life in your arms — and the puzzle is complete.
What are my options?
Whether weighing an international or domestic adoption, there are a host of variables to consider. The adoption landscape is often changing, and that’s been particularly true for international adoption. Before the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption was enacted in the U.S. last year, foreign adoption was like “the Wild West,” notes adoption social worker Ellen Reardon of Adoption Counseling Services.
“Before, you had unqualified people opening adoption agencies to make money.” McDonald echoes her sentiments, “For too many years, there were no consistent rules across country lines when it came to international adoptions. The Hague was implemented into international law to stop smuggling and make sure adoptions are done ethically.”
Now, countries that ratify the Hague must agree to ensure that private agencies are accredited or approved to provide adoption services in the U.S. or foreign nations. The Hague has served to downsize the number of agencies handling international adoptions, notes Reardon, which ultimately is a good thing. It means those agencies that survive are likely reputable.
The Hague has dramatically slowed the flow of children from countries like China, Russia, and Guatemala. But as is often the case with adoption, when one country tightens its borders, another works to become less restrictive. When Liz and Josh Phillips were considering international adoption, they evenutally settled on Ethiopia because of their “family-focused culture.” They also liked the fact that adoption agencies there worked to unite families with babies as quickly as possible.
But between the cost of dealing with two governments, orphanage fees, and the travel associated with an international adoption (the Phillips spent three weeks in Ethiopia when adopting their son, Solly), this tends to be the most expensive route. International adoptions start at around $15,000 and can get as high as $30,000; while the cost of a domestic infant adoption runs anywhere from $6,500 to $25,000, according to McDonald. Adopting through the state is most affordable, since families incur no costs. Some private agencies, like Agape, offer their fees on a sliding scale to make it more affordable for families with lesser means but willing hearts. In addition, many charitable organizations exist that fund grants and scholarships to defer adoption costs, says McDonald.
What about domestic adoptions?
While cost is one factor, the involvement of the birth parents is another. “A common misconception people have is that a domestic adoption can be overturned and that the birth parent can return and take the child. A lot of families have that fear,” says Mary Harris, who supervises Memphis’ adoption unit wth the Tennessee Department of Children’s Services.
When children are adopted through Tennessee’s foster care system, there is no communication with the birth parents. These are considered closed adoptions. That’s because the birth parent’s rights have been terminated, meaning they have lost all legal rights to their child, says Harris. Last year, her office placed over 100 children with families across the region, the majority of whom were school-aged children, sibling groups, and teens. “The biggest challenge with placing foster children is a lack of resources. Most families are seeking some kind of compensation but some children don’t come with financial subsidies,” she says.
But there is no cost to the family, says Harris. The most a couple will pay is the small fee for receiving an additional copy of the child’s birth certificate. Additionally, DCS provides education and counseling services to help families with the transition phase of getting a child settled into a new home. “Every child deserves a chance to have a permanent home,” observes Harris. “If the family can get past those feelings of concern and give a child a chance, it can be overcome.”
Adopting through private agencies
Private agencies charge a fee for their services and depending on their areas of expertise, can place infants, young children, foster children, and/or international children. These adoptions range from closed to semi-open (the agency acts as a mediator between birth and adopting parents) and open (where communication is free to flow between families without intervention by the agency).
When adopting an infant, birth mothers today have more of a say over who adopts their child. They also have a 10-day window following the birth in which they can elect to change their mind about making an adoption plan. “It can be a risky process,” notes Robert Silver, executive director of Jewish Family Services. “Adoptive families want a guarantee that this won’t happen but I say, if you want a guarantee, go to Sears and buy a toaster.”
There are also issues concerning an adoptive child that will never exist for a biological one. They might struggle with questions like “Who am I?” or “What was my birth mother like?” Today, more information is available about the birth parents, and birth mothers often read profiles about the adopting parents before making a selection; some even elect to meet face-to-face for interviews with adoptive couples, something that would have been unheard of 20 years ago. “Birth parents are no longer this big mystery and this helps everyone,” says adoption worker Carla Proctor.
As was the case for the Suzanne and Joe Mariencheck, relationships can even be established and built with the birth families, enriching the lives of both the adoptive children and adults. “It bridges two worlds for the child if there’s a relationship with the birth parent,” says Elizabeth Burton, director of Bethany Christian Services.
How long?
Adoption agencies are hesitant to put a timetable on how quickly an adoption can take place because there are so many variables. Paperwork must be filed, home visits completed, foreign travel taken during international adoptions, matches determined. In the Cook’s case, Caleb (who is biracial and was adopted domestically) became available in just five months; bringing Grace home from Thailand took 15 months.
In some instances, birth parents play a more active role in the placement of their child. When placing a child with a private agency, they can elect to read the couple’s profile and make a selection sight unseen, or as in the case of the Marienchecks, interview several adopting couples to get a better sense of the family their child will be joining. Adopting couples also have a say in what feels comfortable for them. If not meeting the birth parent is desired, then that preference is noted.
Do your homework
Ultimately, the first decision you must make is which type of adoption is right for you: an older child, an infant adoption, an international child; then thoroughly investigate all options. The Marienchecks read up on international and domestic adoption and attended adoption forums before making their decision to go with a private agency to adopt a child at birth.
Some counselors, like Reardon, do consultations with couples, helping them sort through what type of children are available, so they can have a more realistic view of adoption.
It’s also important to find an agency that’s reputable and a good fit for you. In Randy McKeel’s case, the agency he and his partner put their trust in filed for bankruptcy when policy changes came down from the host country they were dealing with. Some incidents are unforeseen. But it pays to scrutinize the reputation of the company you’re investing time and money into. Don’t let the desire to have a child override common sense.
Finally, be patient. Your family mosaic will take time to complete, but you’ll know it when the pieces fit.
Resources
Adoption Support Center
327-6650 • theadoptioncenter.org
Good local resource for adoption information. Also offers counseling, advocacy, and support for adoptive families
Department of Children’s Services
(877) 327-5437 or 578-4212
state.tn.us/youth
Information on Tennessee’s foster care and adoption
Bethany Christian Services
bethany.org
Private agency handling infant, child, and international adoption as well as pregnancy services
Agape Child and Family Services
323-3600 • agapemeanslove.org
Private agency handling infant and child adoption
North American Council on Adoptable Children
nacac.org
National clearinghouse and resource for information on adoption