Parent to Parent: It’s All About Character
November 1st, 2009 by Jane Schneider
Award-winning author and Today show contributor Michele Borba, Ed.D., is the keynote speaker at the Adoption Support Center’s Family Focus 2009 conference this month. The day-long event, hosted by Agape Child and Family Services, takes place Friday, November 6th, from 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. at the Memphis Marriott, 2625 Thousand Oaks. Borba will speak on character education for children and families.
Her latest book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, gives parents lots of helpful information and tips on child-rearing topics of today. We spoke with Borba from her home in California, about raising kids with character.
Why is it important for parents to have clear values they stress with their children? In compiling her book, Borba says she came across a number of alarming trends, gleaned from research prepared for more than 80 stories from the Today show. Many of these academic studies revealed reasons parents need to be strong leaders. Among the most pressing concerns?
• The impact of peer pressure is being felt as early as elementary school.
• Stress continues to climb among school-aged children, with younger kids being diagnosed with anxiety disorders.
• Depression is being more keenly felt by teenagers.
• Materialism is on the rise among children, who are becoming more and more brand conscious. Studies show that materialism makes for less happy youngsters.
• Poor body image is leading to an increase in eating disorders among girls and boys.
Borba says these trends point to the need for parents to be consistent with guidelines that can provide touchstones throughout childhood and adolescence.
Five Tips for Raising Kids with Character
If you want to develop lasting change, create healthy habits.
Borba observes that parents often don’t parent enough for real, lasting change. Instead, we rely on the quick fix. But ultimately, the quick fix doesn’t last. What does is showing your child how to act differently. Learning is all about teaching daily habits. If you want your child to be neater, instill in him the habit of neatness by having him make his bed each morning, or putting his clothes in the laundry basket at the end of the day.
For a habit to take hold, it must be practiced at least 21 consecutive days. Put a calendar in your child’s room and have him put a sticker on each day that he accomplishes his new task. After one month of consistent behavior, reward him with a special treat.
If you want your child to be kind, model empathy.
Caring isn’t a noun, it’s a verb, an action. So it’s important you demonstrate to your child what it looks like to be kind to others. Take a meal to a shut-in or a friend who is struggling. Have your family walk for a favorite charity. Showing kindness towards others models for your child what it means to care for others.
If you want your child to be strong, allow him to fail.
Failure is a good teacher. Yet too often, parents are afraid to let their children experience failure for fear that it will somehow hurt their self-esteem. Borba thinks parents misinterpret this. Children with high self-esteem know they can do things because of what they’ve learned from failure. It makes them less afraid to try new things because their track record tells them that even if they fail, they’ll survive.
If you want your child to be happy, tune in to the stress in his life.
Kids who are over-scheduled and pushed too hard can wind up becoming stressed out. A child who is feeling stressed or anxious will often show signs, with upset stomachs, nervous habits like nail-biting, anxiety, even depression. Think about how your child’s time is structured and determine: Is there enough time between activities for him to decompress? How does stress affect him? Help him explore whether stress is stimulating, energizing, paralyzing, scary.
Secondly, help your child recognize what he does when he’s feeling stressed. Know what triggers stress. Then teach your child coping skills. Exercise is a good stress reliever. So is relaxing with a book or doing a quiet activity. Remember that depression is an outgrowth of perfectionism. Parents who expect or demand perfectionism may wind up with a child who doesn’t feel valued for who he is, but rather, what he accomplishes.
Know what you stand for as a parent and family.
Parents need to be clear about what their values are and intentional in reflecting them. Borba says if we don’t reflect what we stand for, our influence can wane in the face of competition from pop culture and peer pressure.
Parents who raise good kids have clearly defined values. They tell their kids what they believe is important: being honest, kind, trustworthy, responsible. Parents who raise good kids aren’t afraid to say “No” for fear of losing their child’s love. Parents who raise good kids are clear about what is right and what is wrong. When their child screws up, they tell them, “What you did is wrong. Here is what I expect.”
Remember: Building character is intentional; it doesn’t happen by accident.