I’m A BIG kid Now!
May 1st, 2009 by stacey greenberg
My 4-year-old son is extremely independent — at school that is. When he comes home, he wants me to do everything for him, from tying his shoes and brushing his teeth to wiping his bottom.
Usually I’m too tired to argue, so I give in.
On the other hand, my 6-year-old can ride his bike to visit neighborhood friends, take out the recycling, unload the dishwasher, and other amazing feats of independence. I know it won’t be long before his younger brother follows, but some days I wonder if I’m ruining “my baby” by doing too much for him.
Caitlin Allen, a clinical psychologist at the Harwood Center, says we don’t want our kids to grow up too fast, but we don’t want to baby them, either. The key is to create an environment that fosters a child’s independence instead of giving in to whining or power struggles. “Be gently obstinate in getting your kids to do things for themselves,” says Allen.
Routine helps
Kids do best when there is a routine they can anticipate, says Burton Hayes, a pediatrician with the UT Medical Group. When families are juggling full schedules, routines can sometimes get lost in the shuffle. Help your child know the tasks that must be completed before you can leave the house on a play date, for example, and give him time to complete them on his own.
“We’re all over-scheduled,” says Hayes. “Stand your ground and be encouraging, even if it means being late. Saying things like, ‘I really like it when you put your shoes on by yourself’, or ‘You’re such a big girl/boy,’ can help motivate even the most resistant child.”
Allen says children ages 3 to 6 should be learning to get fully dressed by themselves, pulling pants up and down, wiping their bottoms fairly well, performing simple chores like feeding pets or picking up toys, and helping with meal preparation.
Kelly Crase is helping her 4-year-old daughter Elena get the hang of cleaning by showing her how it’s done. “We do it together, but I put her in charge so that she can learn what to do first, and know how to tell when we’re done,” says Crase. After doing short sessions every day, her daughter now accomplishes small tasks on her own, like putting away books.
Shiloh Barnat gives 5-year-old Lydia several clothing choices rather than jumping to her aid. “This approach sometimes makes it hard for her to accept the bits of life that just aren’t optional, but trains her to make good choices and be in charge of her own path,” says Barnat.
Barnat also keeps chore supplies within easy reach for feeding the cats or wiping up spills. Less frequent duties are written on bits of paper and placed in a job box so her daughter can “draw from the box when it’s chore time or she wants to earn extra privileges,” explains Barnat.
Hayes says children are inherently independent, but can be resistant if a task isn’t their idea. “Try to phrase things in terms of positive reinforcement and reward them with a treat or extra video game time,” he suggests.
Independence builds self-esteem
It’s important to remember that simple, daily skills we take for granted must be taught to young children.
“Montessori is big on teaching life skills like sweeping, pouring, and ironing,” says Allen. “It’s important to know what children are capable of and to let them build their self-esteem by doing those things.” Angela Feathers, director of Evergreen Montessori School, says parents are often amazed at how many tasks their kids do during the school day.
And the children’s learning is not limited to domestic activities. They also work on things like mastering the final stages of potty training. For that, Feathers says “It is really important to have the right tools, like flushable wipes, and to explain to the child that they are responsible for keeping their own bodies clean.” She suggests showing a child what the correct amount of toilet paper looks like, and making up a rhyme like “wipe, wipe, flush, and check,” to solidify habits.
Easy-to-fasten clothing also helps with potty independence, adds Allen, “You don’t want them to get stuck in their overalls and have to ask for help.”
Laurie Major assists her 5- and 7-year-old boys by keeping a chart in the bathroom. “They have a chart to check off the things they need to remember to do. They each have their own toiletry basket which they seem to feel is special,” she says. Though she still helps her 5-year-old clean his bottom at times, he’s making progress. She also looks for other ways to build their self-confidence.
“My 5-year-old really likes the self-serve ice water from the fridge,” says Major. “So I keep plastic cups where he can reach them and he helps himself.” And Major recently started letting the brothers play alone in the backyard. “I look out at them frequently, but they feel they are doing something big and responsible and tend to take care of each other,” she says.
Feathers also suggests encouraging 3- to 6-year-olds to fix their own snacks. “Buy a little pitcher and fill it with juice or water,” she says. “Designate a low drawer in the fridge and an accessible cabinet and fill them with appropriate foods, and buy child-sized utensils.”
One area parents don’t have to worry about doing too much is at bedtime. Allen says bedtime rituals, like tucking in and reading a story, should continue into adolescence. “It’s important to say ‘I love you and sleep tight,’ ” she says.
Though parents might be under a time crunch, slowing down and including children in routine activities is worth the extra effort, notes Allen. “You’ve got to grab those teachable moments.”
Tags: independence, potty training, preschool, ritual, self-esteem