Love is all around in February. Valentine’s Day keeps our kids busy exchanging cards, swapping conversation hearts, and making card holders out of tissue boxes. For parents, this day tends to be a little more amorous — dinner, flowers, and who knows what else.

Our love for our family and our spouse, partner, or date  manifests itself in physical affection. (After all, we do have kids…) But how much touching is appropriate to display in front of the children?

Seek balance

“It is good for children to see warmth and a bond between parents,” notes Margaret Helding, president of the Society for Family Psychology, a division of the American Psychological Association. “It is reassuring to children.”
Psychologist Susan Knell with Spectrum Psychological Associates in Cleveland, Ohio, sees the family norms as a deciding factor. “An affectionate family, one who displays warm physical contact among extended family and friends, will condition a child to see this as acceptable behavior. If kisses are a normal greeting among relatives and friends, a child will think nothing of seeing his parents kiss hello or goodbye.”

In a healthy parental and/or dating relationship, children accept certain displays of affection between their parents. This demonstrated admiration can support a child’s sense of well-being. However, Heldring notes that “affection that is too sexual is uncomfortable for children andbreaks a boundary. Too much would be a long kiss, intimate touches, or certain spoken words such as ‘I can’t wait until later tonight.’ Anything which brings a child into the intimate world of the parents’ love is not good.”

Affection is a signal to all children that there is something going on behind closed doors, Heldring says. “And that’s okay. But it is overwhelming for a child to experience blatant displays of what should be happening in the bedroom while in the living room.”

Keep it G-rated

In general, parents can respond to each other with the following gestures:

• Holding hands.  Whether in front of the evening’s television show or walking together down the street, parents holding hands can make a child feel safe and secure. Seeing a warm bond between the parents (and extending the hand-holding to the children) promotes the perception of a strong family unit — and that helps to develop a child’s sense of self-esteem.

• Hugs.  An embrace between parents shows acceptance and concern for each other. A warm hug (not a full body clench) shows a child the parent’s willingness to comfort and support the other parent.

• Kisses.  A kiss to a child between his parents (or someone you’re dating) shows a deeper commitment. Seeing parents kiss furthers the impression of the parent’s caring for each other. Kisses upon returning home, leaving for work, or in the parents’ first encounter during the day shows the value of the parent to the other, assuring the child that the parent will be missed during their absence and that their return is welcomed and appreciated. Parents should be more considerate when showing such displays if a relationship is still developing, as children often feel jealous when newly divorced parents begin dating.

• Flirting.  Flirting between parents, depending on the family norm, can demonstrate a dimension of romance in the relationship. Children see that a relationship should be fun and playful. Some parents may rub each other’s shoulders, others may see a pat on the behind as acceptable.

Children of different ages will provoke different reactions to parental affection. “A 4-year-old is all about the tactile: the physical touch and contact. But a 13-year-old, dealing with their own developmental and body changes, may feel uncomfortable seeing displays of affection. But rest assured, despite their responses at any age, children will be secretly reassured by their parents’ love.”

Within a healthy parental relationship, children benefit from the appropriate demonstration of affection between parents and dates. Knell sees affection within a loving adult relationship as a positive role model for children. “They can see what an adult, marital relationship should look like, and that gives them a basis for forming relationships in their later years.”
So go ahead. Give your spouse that hug. It is good for your relationship, and ultimately good for your kids.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 1st, 2009 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Columns. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.