Ask Judy: February 2009
February 1st, 2009 by Judy Bookman
Q: I can’t get my kids to sleep. Since my husband works late, he’s not home to help me with our twins (they’re 4) and they often don’t want to go to sleep, even if I give them snacks and let them watch something quiet on TV. I work two jobs, so I’m run ragged. Help!
Four-year-olds would rather eat jalapenos than go to bed, even under the best circumstances. After dinner, I’d begin the wind-down for the night. Rituals are comforting for kids, so follow the same script every night, even on weekends. Consistency is key to getting them to sleep successfully. If they eat a balanced dinner, there’s no need for a bedtime snack. If they need a nibble, avoid sugar, which may give them an energy boost.
Rather than TV, let them listen to CDs that are relaxing and will segue toward bedtime. Next come bath time and tooth-brushing. Follow that with a bedtime book or story; prayers if you choose, hugs for each, then lights out. At first, they probably will balk at the new routine. Stand firm; and turn a deaf ear when they whine. Being in charge when your twins go to bed is a priority that will make your life easier in the long run.
Q: My 8-year-old son is a terrible tattletale. He’s a middle child, between a 5-year-old sister and 10-year-old brother. He does this to get attention, but more often it puts him at odds with his siblings. How can we discourage tattling?
Unless he comes to tell you his older brother set the house on fire, disregard his salvos. If he is pestering his siblings, look him in the eye and tell him you know they can work it out without you. Of course, an equally important part of this intervention is giving your middle child enough appropriate attention in the first place. Help him find areas where he excels, whether it is sports, music, or collecting. Spend time with him. Being neither the oldest or “the baby” is seldom the position we’d choose for ourselves.
Q: My mother-in-law insists on swatting my 15-month-old when he doesn’t mind her. I don’t believe in hitting but she’s very old-school. I need to win her to my side, but how?
Of all the situations I’ve experienced working with children and families, the issue of physical discipline is most polarizing. I find no understanding of human learning and development in the positions of those who support hitting as a form of teaching right from wrong. Nor do I believe the Biblical justification of “Spare the rod and spoil the child.”
First of all, there are quite a few commandments for harsh punishment in the Bible that we as a civilization have rejected — “An eye for an eye…” for example. I choose to think of “the rod” as an English misprint or mistranslation of an earlier text. If we substitute the word “rule” for “rod,” we have a maxim for positive child-rearing: “Spare the rule and spoil the child.” All children need clear rules and discipline when rules are disobeyed. There are many alternatives to physical punishment. These include time-outs for younger children and taking away privileges for older kids. Any sound disciplinary policies always need to include the use of positive reinforcement — rewarding kids when they do right. This does not mean a $50 gift card when a child is kind to his younger brother. It does mean a kind word or pat on the back, and in some instances an earned reward. A 15-month-old who gets hit learns that hitting is a way to express frustration, that it hurts to get hit, and that it is confusing when someone who has been kind to you is now the giver of pain and humiliation.
If you have told your mother-in-law not only your position on hitting but have clearly explained to her your expectation — that she not hit your child — you now have clear choices. Either continue to allow your mother-in-law to hit your toddler; or restate your disapproval of physical discipline by not allowing your son to be in a position where Granny is the disciplinarian.
Do you have a question about your child’s behavior that you’d like to have answered? Ask Judy answers reader questions. Describe your situation or send a question to: janes@memphisparent. Judy Bookman is a veteran licensed clinical social worker. Answers can also be answered confidentially. Please make note if you would prefer a private response.