Changing Families:The Uncertainty of Divorce
November 1st, 2008 by Dorchelle T. Spence
If its lobby is any indication, The Exchange Club Family Center is a happy place to be. The welcoming colors and friendly staff help put people at ease, a fact that seems especially true for the children who participate in the Rollercoasters program. This Wednesday night, three youngsters ages 6 to 9 burst onto the scene, racing into the comfy, sofa-clad room and quickly making it their own.
“They always come in like they’ve been shot out of a cannon,” says Kitty Frazer, the center’s family service coordinator and licensed master social worker. The children who attend her program consider it “their own special club — and they own it.”
Rollercoasters, a national curriculum for youth ages 9 to 12, was introduced to the Memphis community by Frazer five years ago. Its purpose is to “normalize” the divorce experience, so children learn firsthand they’re not the only ones feeling scared or angry or suddenly behaving differently due to changes in their family.
The Exchange Club Family Center serves as a clearinghouse for families going through divorce. In addition to Rollercoasters, the center also offers a Trans Parenting class that helps divorcing couples work out their new co-parenting strategy. Since an official Parenting Plan is required by Tennessee state law, many parents are referred to the class by their attorneys.
Frazier discovered many children felt an overwhelming frustration during divorce, believing their situation would never improve. “They don’t see an end to the tension between the parents; there’s no closure for them,” says Frazer. Adults generally experience closure from the divorce itself, but for children, who often continue to witness negative comments, slights, and bickering between parents, divorce means separate households but not necessarily an end to the tension.
Another common issue kids wrestle with is anxiety about being separated from their things. “What annoys kids the most is that they are not around, or no longer have control over their stuff,” explains Frazer. “During the exchange, Dad may be holding the kid’s backpack while Mom is trying to snatch it away. That’s very disturbing behavior for a child to see.”
That’s why Frazer implemented the Rollercoasters program: to help kids cope with their feelings about divorce. “The first year or so we ran the program by the book, but the participants hated it. They said it was too rigid. So, we threw out all the rules and followed where the kids wanted to go.”
The group meets for an hour every Wednesday night. This evening, the kids play together to unwind before Ms. Kitty pulls out a pair of soft, stuffed arms.
“Who wants a hug?” she asks with a smile.
A young girl wraps herself in the arms and shares her thoughts. The discussion varies from child to child as each talks about something significant that happened that week. Frazer admits she sometimes has no idea which direction the class will go, “but often the kids redirect us to where they want the class to go. This is one of the best ways for their issues to come out.” Frazer and several interns are available to follow up when a child is going through a difficult time.
Does it work? “Yes,” says mom Sarita Price, a licensed ordained minister. “[My daughter] is excited about coming to Rollercoasters and talks about Kitty all the time. She’s a social bug who loves being around other kids. I believe seeing them go through the same things she’s going through really helps her. She doesn’t have the meltdowns like she used to.”
Stephanie Embrey agrees. Her two children have been in the program for several years and receive “a level of understanding and comfort about their situation in a way that helps them figure out where to go next.”
Both parents contact Frazer occasionally to talk through problems their children may be dealing with. “I have often called Kitty with a new situation and said, ‘The kids are freaking out, can you help us work through this?’ ” says Embrey.
As the session wraps up, an 8-year-old girl plays with a tiny stuffed animal she has pulled from her backpack. She drapes the arms around her shoulders, then relaxes into them, sharing with the group that it has been a difficult day at school. As she talks, she strokes the arms and plays with the fingers.
By the end of the talk, her stuffed animal declares, “I love [my pal] and I love Rollercoasters.”
Rollercoasters is open to children ages 4 to 12.
Call 276-2200 for details.
Dorchelle Terrell Spence is director of communications for the Riverfront Development Corporation. She is married, has her daughter, Maggie, and three teenaged stepsons.
Tags: divorce, Rollecoasters, The Exchange Club Family Center