Ask Judy: November 2008
November 1st, 2008 by Judy Bookman
Q: I have a special needs child (age 4) who is very rambunctious and loud. She can be sweet but also a handful to manage. My other daughter and son (ages 7 & 9) know Mel’s issues, but I sometimes worry they feel like they don’t get as much time with me because of their sister. I don’t want them to resent her — or me. Help!
Siblings of special needs children also have special needs (as do their parents). You may be feeling guilty about spending less time with your older children, when in reality your older kids may feel the attention you give them is adequate. Kids have a way of letting us know either through their words or their actions if they need more time with us and if sibling rivalry is dominating your family life. These include acting out behaviors that kids do specifically to get attention.
If the issue of spending more time with you is a concern for your older two, you need to look at your schedule and plan time with them — both one-on-one with you, and with the older two together. If the demands on you are too great to make this time, consider getting a baby sitter every few weeks or explore some respite opportunities. You need a break as well from the constant demands of care. At least once a day, each child needs at least a few minutes of your time.
Often, siblings have special talents that need to be developed, including music and sports. Remember to pay attention to these aspects of your children’s lives and address their particular needs. Whatever the special needs are for your 4-year-old, start now to make sure she or he is functioning as independently as possible. Frequently, parents increase the need for time dealing with a special needs child because they underestimate his abilities and potential. Allow your older kids to talk with you about their resentments, if they exist.
At times, all family members may be stressed by these demands, and your kids need to know that you are overwhelmed sometimes, too. This will promote teamwork for your family, which is necessary throughout the lifetime of a special-needs family. Let your older children participate in some aspects of caring for their younger sibling — just be sure not to overdo it, or the resentment thermometer will get too hot. When planning family activities, focus on the needs of all family members, so that everyone can participate, when possible.
Finally, check out sibling support groups, as well as those for parents. Kids need to know that others are dealing with similar circumstances. Overall, siblings of special needs children are compassionate, tolerant of differences, and nurturing, because parents do a good job of helping them recognize the unique opportunities their families have to assist each other and to lovingly cope with challenges.
Q: I recently divorced and this will be my first Thanksgiving without my kids (my ex gets them this year, my holiday will be Christmas.) I’m already dreading the thought of it. Any ideas on how to cope would be welcome.
Look forward to a different kind of Thanksgiving — an adult time rather than a child-focused one, perhaps. Do not plan to be miserable, or you will end up being too successful. Most of us are capable of getting an A+ in self-pity, even without studying! Instead, begin planning how you will spend your holiday.
You can organize Thanksgiving dinner for other people in your life who are important to you or for others who may be in the same boat. If this is not your style, check out volunteer opportunities such as feeding the needy or offering respite care for someone who needs a time out from full-time caregiving. Above all, work on changing your attitude from dread to recognizing the meaningfulness of the season. Enjoy your time off in November, while anticipating spending a quality Christmas with your children. MP
Do you have a question about your child’s behavior that you’d like to have answered? Ask Judy answers reader questions. Describe your situation or send a question to: janes@memphisparent. Judy Bookman is a veteran licensed clinical social worker. Answers can also be answered confidentially. Please make note if you would prefer a private response.