Perhaps you thought you’d never date again. Maybe you vowed to avoid another serious relationship. Or possibly, your special friendship has unexpectedly blossomed into something beautiful. Whichever is the case, remember to clue your children in on your dating excitement.

Ron L. Deal, president of Successful Stepfamilies and founder of the successfulstepfamilies.com website, is emphatic that parents should not underestimate the importance of constant communication with their children about their social life and dating partners. He suggests having “a series of conversations, multiple discussions about the fact that you’re dating and the nature of that relationship.” When the time is right, then introduce your children to your partner.

I remember the first time I met my stepsons. It was a Friday evening. The entire day had been spent in anticipation of it. I was alternately excited — meeting the kids was a big step in our relationship — and nervous. What would happen if they didn’t like me? I worried. Robert had always been very protective of the boys.

Divorce is said to be difficult on children and is often a formidable source of guilt for parents. So, his focus was on the boys’ emotional well-being and keeping them happy and carefree while in his care. He waited months before bringing us together.

According to Deal, author of The Smart Stepfamily, Robert was correct in taking his time.  “Young children, 5-years and under, have a large window of attachment,” Deal explains. “They allow many people into their hearts and can become attached to your dating partner faster than you can. You may find that when your casual relationship ends, your children are sad. That’s because they’ve fallen in love with your date.” Deal suggests in a casual dating relationship, try limiting interaction with your young children.

Older children require extra time getting used to the idea of their parents dating too. “For a child’s well-being, they need to feel like they at least have a voice and are heard,” says Deal. Allow them to express their feelings and take the time to listen without trying to convince them of your point of view. Once kids believe their concerns are being taken seriously, they are open to hearing your perspective.

When dating progresses
As your dating relationship becomes more serious, Deal says you should include more interaction between your partner and your children. That can begin with a brief introduction at the door when the date arrives or meeting for dessert at an ice cream parlor.

We met at Robert’s apartment. I arrived first and let myself in. I waited on the sofa, but couldn’t get comfortable, so I moved outside to the patio. Some fresh air would do me good, I thought. And that’s where I was when they arrived.

What I quietly ob-served in those few minutes was a father who truly enjoyed being with his boys. Carrying a backpack, two lunch boxes, a diaper bag, and a baby on his hip, Robert ushered the boys through the door. The older two talked excitedly about Michael Jordan’s moves in the prior night’s Chicago Bulls game. They were animated and their little brother eagerly watched their every move.
When dating progresses to discussions about building a future together, more intentional interactions between the children and your potential mate are needed. “It may be time for the future stepparent to increase his or her interaction and the amount of time and energy spent with the children,” says Deal.

“When you get to a place where you’re announcing a wedding, it should not be a surprise to your children.”

I did eventually come into the apartment that night. And meeting the boys was just what it should have been: simple and low key. “This is my friend, Dorchelle,” Robert said easily. The older boys shook my hand and off we went for pizza. It was the beginning of a beautiful — and tumultuous — relationship. But one I wouldn’t change for anything in the world.

Four steps to kids and the dating game
• Have ongoing, age-appropriate conversations with your children about relationships and dating.
• Begin with casual interactions between your children and dating partner (speaking at the door, meeting for ice cream).
• As you become more emotionally involved, increase the length or frequency of your children’s interaction with your partner.
• When you begin talking about building a future together, it may be time for the future stepparent to increase the time and energy spent with your children.

Dorchelle Terrell Spence is director of communications for the Riverfront Development Corporation in Memphis. She is married and has one daughter, Maggie, and three teenaged stepsons. Ms. Spence is penning her first novel and working on a collection of short stories for young adult readers.

Tags: dating, divorce, dorchelle t. spence, ron l. deal, successful stepfamilies, the smart stepfamily

This entry was posted on Friday, August 1st, 2008 at 12:00 pm and is filed under 3-5, Lessons. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.